And what do you do?

Smug, smug, smug. "I am a teacher." Ho, ho, HO! Smuggly-smug.

I never, EVER realized how much comfort there is in having an easy answer this question. Its so awkward when you don't know what exactly to say! What do I do? Well, nowadays I start with making breakfast. Then a cup of tea. Usually I watch a little bit of the Today show. I listen to a lot of public radio and ofte- OH. You didn't mean that, you meant WHAT IS MY JOB. How foolish.

I don't like this question anymore. Its too hard. For example, I have gotten a lot of this lately: "Oh, you've moved to Charlottesville! You go to UVA, then?" "Uh... no," I reply. Poor question-asker. They stand there, eagerly awaiting the standard response of what I DO do, and instead I stand there mute. Pressure's on you sucker, I ain't saying anything. In reality, I shuffle either myself or the conversation awkwardly away.

My Ma says I'm living off the grid. But that's hardly a profession. I could say that I live in a yurt. But again, not a job. And yes, I have high, high hopes that my market garden will be marvelously successful, but every time I respond to the question with "I am a market gardener" people look at me funny, I inevitably have to explain what that means, which leads to the fact that I have not actually started the garden yet (as it is FEBRUARY) and then I just feel so odd that the shuffling happens as awkwardly as when I don't say anything.

I remember being so pleased at being able to say "Me? Oh, yes, I am a teacher." It made me feel so good. You know, helping children - how admirable. Piffle - that's not what it was about! Saying "I'm a teacher" made ME feel good. It made me feel smug. Look what I've done, I subconsciously thought. Ho, ho HO! I am only twenty-two, but look at me my with my job title. HaHA! Look who did what she was supposed to do, all in the right order! TaDa!

Regardless of the fact that I didn't really like my job, and that I had dreams of doing something else entirely, my job still made me SOUND good. Sound right, really.

Don't worry. Bloated sense of self-worth has been replaced with awareness and discomfort.

I've got to figure it out. I could merely say "I am a gardener." But that sounds about as convincing as saying "I am a knitter" or "I am a magazine reader". But I can hardly say I'm a farmer, can I? What do you farm? Oh, four thousand square feet. Oh, vegetables. Sounds dumb.

Maybe I need to be more confident. "I am a small business owner!" "I own a market garden!" No "I am starting..." or or shuffling away meshugana. Confidence. Maybe if I say the words "exclamation point" at the end of each sentence that would help.

Anyways, at least I understand now. Am a bit more worldly, if poor, employed only by myself and on edge when in conversation with unfamiliar people. Cognizant about the temptation to follow the beaten path and do it the best, and the weird feeling that occurs when you leave it, regardless of the reason why. Maybe next time I'll answer "Oh, I develop my level of consciousness concerning societal patterns and how individuals yearn to fulfill them. Simple stuff, really." That makes saying "I'm a market gardener" sound easy...